I had an epiphany over dinner with Tola of Aratuntun (honestly one of the greatest people I have ever met) last Saturday night. She asked me if I like/love London yet. I always ‘umm’ and ‘ahh’ about it, but this time it was as if a switch flicked on in my head.
One of my primary school friends coincidentally moved to Europe two days after me but settled in London a month or so later after touring around Europe. She seems to be so free and unbothered about things like she has started on a clean slate with no strings attached. Me on the other hand thinks she is free but isn’t. I packed my things, left my family and Australia, but I took with me my culture and all the burdens of it and brought it here. I think that’s contributing to why I ‘umm’ and ‘ah’ when asked about London. I forgot to factorize this into my emotional and mental preparation before moving. I had changed my expectations from my last visit, and I anticipated that this time round, my engagement with Ghanaian culture wouldn’t peak like it does in Australia. Now I think the gauge is nearing the mid level.
Whilst I was on exchange in Epsom, I remember one of my flatmates saying that she had cousins living in Wimbledon. It was about 15mins on the train – a stones throw away in my books. Yet she didn’t see the need to visit or at least tell them that she was going to Uni close by. I had family a good 1.5 hour away yet I trekked many weekends to visit most of them. My friends couldn’t understand why I would waste my weekends going to see family I might not ever see again or people I wasn’t technically related to. I just told them I had to. I didn’t understand why I was doing it either. My Mum would be calling me practically every week with new numbers for people I had to call and visit. It got to a point where she even realised it was too much and stopped. I missed so many people and I have been trying to play catch-up since I have arrived. I can’t seem to wipe my hands clean and say ‘Stuff this, no more looking for Mum’s bestie from high school or Dad’s second cousin’. I blame it on the culture like Jamie Foxx blamed it on the alcohol! I also blame my parents, and my damn inquisitiveness about family and traditions as well. Not that it’s bad, but it amazes me how much my upbringing has really influenced me how I conduct myself and how I settle into life in London.
One thing which is digging my head in, is the issue of marriage. Now I am going to make some comparisons between experiences. Please don’t take this as a generalization of everyone either in Sydney or London. This is just how I see it. Since I have been here the issue of marriage has over hung over head like a thunderstorm ready to just give way. In Sydney it’s always been the one or two weird grown-ups who thought I should have been married the day after I finished university (which was the end of 2011) or people who just find it hilarious that I don’t seem to be fussed about getting married now. You joke with the people and go on your way. It’s no big deal. I don’t go home thinking maybe these people are right, maybe I should be married or anything like that. In London it’s a whole different ball game. I am introduced to people like I have a ‘single and available for marriage‘ neon sign on my head.
When I look at the people I know between 23-27 the norm for them is finishing Uni, buying a new car, buying their first house and the yearly/bi-yearly trips to the motherland. Of course there are a few who have kids or have gotten married, but the ratio would be like 3:10. In London the ratio feels like 3 in 5 people are either married or with child in that 23-27 age range. I have met quite a few and I have spoken to some British friends about this and they agree. It makes me look delayed. I have just turned 25 and I unashamedly act as if I am on a chilling spree. Hungry for adventure and experience. When I explain this to my cousins or any Ghanaian ‘grown-up’ here, they take me as crazy. They think if have finished Uni, marriage is the all important next step and moving here will allow me to fulfill that. As if it is the ultimate goal in my life. As Sweet Brown nicely put it ‘Ain’t no body got time for that!‘ (Well not now anyway). It got me thinking about Chimamanda Adichie‘s quote “We should not be raising our daughters to aspire to marriage…….We need to teach our girls to conquer the world [instead]“, from a TEDxTALK early year titled ‘We should all me feminists‘. No one (well not many) are telling me to conquer, which I find quite disappointing. Especially from family members who I thought had a ‘new school mind’ frame and believed in taking chances, following your dreams and making it all happen. I have given up trying to explain my ‘new school mind’, it gets me nowhere. I think to them I have become the girl who thinks she is all that to get married! They don’t get it, they don’t want to let go of you – as if you are still a child, and they will try impose their ways on you. I am finding it difficult to deal with that, hence why I am trying to move out. Whenever I talk to my Dad he always asks ‘Have you found a place?‘. He thinks that me living with family will depreciate my London experience and he is right. It’s as if he foresaw these situations.
In the midst of it all this I am frustrated, but when I recall my experiences, I find it very unique. Just imagine if I wasn’t Ghanaian and I came here like my primary school friend with one or two friends either from Australia or ones I met whilst travelling, do you think I would be in love with London by now? Most likely. However all these thoughts and situations come part of the hybrid identity package. There are no guidelines or rules in this package when you are born and no warning of possible outcomes either or what to expect when growing up. Just a whole lot of confusion when you move countries! #stillwaitingforthedayIloveLondon
IMAGE SOURCE: TELEGRAPH.CO.UK